July 5, 2009

Yesterday evening Jason and I had to head to the ER. We were shopping with my parents and Eliana and I decided to go to the bathroom. There was bleeding. We headed to the ER, conveniently on the way home to my parents. I called my doctor. He said light to moderate was normal and I could wait for my appointment in a week. I would say moderate, but I don't think I could wait and not know. I got checked in quickly. They gave me an IV and a catheter. Oh, so painful. The hardest thing was not knowing what was going on with the baby. They finally took me back for the sonogram. I should be almost 11 weeks. She did an external and couldn't see anything. She did an internal. She saw the baby, but it measured the same as it did on our last sonogram, over 3 weeks ago. She couldn't get a heartbeat.

We went back to my room to wait for the doctor to release me. Jason went to get Eliana from my parents in the waiting room. She did wonderful, even though it was so late. She didn't fuss once. He brought her back and she smiled when she saw me. No matter how sad I was, that helped. She wanted me. He put her on the bed. She came right up to me and placed her head on my chest and patted me. How did she know that is exactly what I needed. She would lift her head, point to the iv and then back to my chest.

I have to go back Wednesday for blood work to confirm nothing is growing. I didn't sleep last night. I am so tired. I cry a lot. The hardest thing now is knowing that the baby is still in there, but is not alive. I still have my appointment next Monday. I will probably have to get a D&C since it has been so long and I haven't passed anything. I didn't bleed again after that small amount before the ER.

No matter how small, this was my baby and it is hard knowing that we won't get to meet him or her. As a parent you want to protect, but there wasn't anything I could do. We are traveling back at the end of the week. We were going to drive home on Thursday, for two days. Since we don't know what will happen with my bleeding, I am going to fly. Pray that either I will pass this pregnancy smoothly or that everything will hold off until I see the doctor.